how I spend my time

I have enjoyed all the anonymous comments. They contribute to my formulation of a framework or meaning. Everyone has to fit in my concept of how things are and how I am. When that makes sense to me, I feel good. For some people having it figured out is belief in Religion and God. I have to figure out how all people fit into existence. How all the different ways to believe are actually a piece of the same whole. I take everything I see, hear and witness to weave together this belief and it can always change with new input.
I had a conversation about Calvinism, a form of Protestentism this week and it sounds like this belief system was alive and majoritized in this country's history and has its roots in many of our unexamined beliefs ( like the ones I wrote about in the last post). It seems to me that all people want good for themselves and others (except some who have disorders, but they still belong as the shadow). All people have a different idea of how to manifest that good in the world and sometimes we all get deluded that others should think like we do. Because we are all human, we might recognize this tendency, except we can be so deep in our knowing what is right. We or I. I am using "we" because I notice this tendency in alot of people and myself.
I compare my sex clients to my therapy clients and myself and how I act in real life, sex work life and therapy life. I listen to a 20 year old and it brings back wisps of how I thought 20 years ago. I know this is getting too broad and probably not understandable. and I don't need to make sure you understand it. Here is a fact: we are meaning making creatures. It is a facet of the human brain. All cultures throughout time have come up with explanations and theories about human existence. someone thought up Nilhism which says life is meaningless. the extreme opposite. almost a defense to all the unfulfilled desire that some people never can achieve. Why can some people not meet another person to love happily? They want it and it never happens?
I wonder if our life is a theme that we lock into in childhood. Mine would be I have to fight for the right to be who I am. self determination. I am always in a battle with some facet of the population. even when dormant, I an fighting for my respectable right to be a sex worker, besides making a good living, enjoying my work and that I get to invent who I am and what I offer, I also want people to respect me for my choice.
new subject: sex work
the client tonight thinks about my boyfriend fucking his wife next to us in the bed. This was what he was telling me right before he came. He never met my boyfriend. This will never happen. If it did my boyfriend would hate it.
The client this morning said I was less shielded than usual. I was not aware of ever being shielded. But I liked that he was paying attention. I responded, "Interesting."

trigger

I enjoyed exchanging comments with Anonymous from my post of Sept 30, and I have more to say. This blog was titled Metaphysical Pussy for a reason. Interfacing with sexuality is a philosophical arena. It’s like looking at the stars...it makes one wonder what is going on? Anonymous’ comments managed to piss me off. I became interested in what exactly was triggering me. Of course getting called whiny and selfish is annoying but when the person is incorrect, why would I get bothered but such frivolty? It activates a shame button that has previously been activated. I hear my mother and father telling me how disgusted they are with my selfishness in a variety of ways. I feel the need to prove my credentials of generosity and kindness, but another part of myself knows I don’t have to do that because I know who I am. There are unexamined assumptions floating in the air. We breathe them and frame our constructs using them. I affectionately call this colonization of the mind. These constructs if unexamined, force our thoughts into judgmental channels. The idea that selfishness is bad. I consciously do not adopt this notion, but I didn’t send it into exile without a struggle and even in exile it’s footprint remains.
In therapy sessions, every client makes a guilty confession of “I feel like its selfish of me but.... I do want this (fill in the blank)___ for myself.” A good therapist does not announce their own value judgments, but I can’t stop myself from blurting out, “I think selfish is good.” Dr. Marty Klein has relabeled this quality “selfcareish”. I went to a workshop once where we did an exercise. We were instructed to walk around and say to the other participants as a compliment, “You are so selfish!” and respond “Thank you and you are so selfish too.” It brought giggles, embarrassment and a sense of relief as well. An extreme antidote for the above mentioned prevailing hegemony of anti- selfishness. This is not to say that altruism is not a beautiful quality. Dedicating one’s life to the service of others is astounding and admirable. This is not to say that thinking about others feelings and needs is obsolete. Balance- key word. Embracing selfishness can be helpful to the world. Desire is part of being human.
Carl Jung wrote about human archetypes. Not claiming expertise on Jung, but I remember that ‘The Martyr’ is one of them. Most people have tried on that persona at one time. It can feel good sometimes to sacrifice. Most of the world prays to a very famous martyr. Anonymous, I bet you resonate with that archetype. It is hard for you to be happy, while others are suffering. You desire a world that values equality and perhaps adopts more socialistic principles. I admire that ideology as well. It is caring that you worry about a single mom working at Starbucks who is sleep deprived and poor. I care about her too. Too bad she isn’t a sex worker, but luckily she can choose to be if she wants. I think it comes down to each persons right to choose. Selfishness is the way to go for some, but does that provide happiness? Who is to say? Each individual discovers or not their path. I don’t like my path being criticized with self righteousness dripping off of it under the auspices of an ideology that selfishness is bad. That triggered me. The combo of self righteous and colonization. But hey anon, we have similarities and our conflict has brought me closer to you in thought and feeling. I grok an understanding of our oneness. The more I feel oneness, the more I feel good. Because if we are one....in humanness, I have no choice but to love you.

switch

I switched back and forth from therapist to whore yesterday, leaning heavier on the therapist side. 9 was my first therapy appointment. I tend to limit my revelation about these for reasons of confidentiality. Suffice it to say that I felt his yearning to be understood and I fulfilled it. I barely watch TV, which my son says contributes to my “not knowing anything” about real life. This client mentioned a TV show, one which my boyfriend watches and I actually find enlightening sometimes. I was so happy to be able to connect with him over that reference. Wearing my new boots, I called a therapist friend who was in her office nearby and stopped in to talk. She was surprised I would wear these boots for work (Uggs). As we were deciding what and where to do for lunch, I got a call for work to which I agreed. But was it sex? The client has his prostate removed for 8 years and due to that, less reliable hard ons. He is interested in me fisting his ass but since there is not a prostate there, I wonder what sensations he is enjoying. He wants me to get inside the “second sphincter.” I do not know intestinal anatomy nor do I feel competent to explore it. I know a man died some time this last year from getting a horse to fuck him in the ass perforating his intestinal wall and allowing his blood to mix with feces. I told this guy I did not want to be the cause of his death. He was not worried and kept trying to get me to find the passageway “it’s to the right. do you feel it? it can’t be that difficult!” Of course I was wearing gloves and being in up to my wrist already, They do not make opera length latex gloves. I felt only soft flesh and barriers. We were arguing over if I would try to find this area or not, both of us sticking to our original opinions. I found it very unsexy and wonder how he experienced it. We went through 7 gloves and half a can of crisco. He lay on his back, his side and with his ass in the air. Why can’t he just enjoy a regular hand? He finished himself by jerking off. He did not want any unsafe activities like blow job or eating pussy because he had recently gone for his STD checkup and was hoping after a negative report to have no need to worry. He said he had sucked off a guy and took come in his mouth, but didn’t swallow. It was obvious he felt guilty about his desires or perhaps the guilt was about his succumbing to the enactment of his desires. “What’s wrong with me? Why do I have to do this?” he asks rhetorically. I took therapist stance and said, “Losing your prostate has changed your responsivity. You are looking for new ways to experience sensation.” I don’t think guilt serves anyone as much as compassion. I sterilized everything that touched him when he left. I had a 6 appt for therapy and the client was allowing herself to feel the pain that she was trying to avoid for years. I was moved by her. I can’t say more. I felt competent in my role. She was brave. Then I went home, had dinner, walked my dog with my wonderful boyfriend and went to my outcall hotel. He asked me to come at 10 but his idea of time was skewed. He called at 9 and asked where I was. “Walking my dog,” I responded. “I’m not supposed to arrive till 10.” Was he disoriented or drunk? I don’t know but when I met him he seemed tired, drunk or both. Soon, I was faking to enjoy myself and wishing I could enjoy myself as flamboyantly and excessively as I pretend. After a few minutes of fucking he acted like he was going to put his cock in my ass. I said he certainly would not and then I decided I wanted him to come and be done. I arranged that pretty soon after and left. He overpaid me. Whether it was generosity or drunkenness, I do not know, but it was good. I came home and my boyfriend was still awake which was lovely. We got in bed and he acted like he would go to sleep. I wanted to have sex with him. He said, “You had alot of dicks today.” “I only had one and it wasn’t the one I wanted.” I replied. For purposes of his confidentiality I can only say, it was good.

don't count my money before it is made

I start making money and counting chickens before hatching. and then I'm gonna buy this and that and send money to so and so etc. is it so fun to imagine things...why? then they start canceling. today the guy I say no to two appts cause he is booked comes in. seems very uncomfortable, admits he is nervous. then says he can't do it. I wonder if I am not attractive to him. He "honestly" tells me he is feeling guilt to his
SO and when he made the appt they were fighting and now, he thinks its not a good idea. If i had known half an hour earlier I could have had somebody else. so I allow him to leave giving me a $40 waste my time fee. and go buy a slip for tomorrow's fantasy of I am your therapist and you tell me about your stocking/ foot fetish. Another guy who obsessively called me like 20 times to schedule a duo which I had to call and arrange with the other girl and say no to two other people calls to cancel because of family medical emergency. fine. I try to reschedule the guy I said no to. I send 2 emails and don't hear back. this sucks!!!! I cannot play games of new boots and new rug anymore. that is all. done ranting.

definition of whore

Business is slow but I’m still not desperate as witnessed by this conversation I had today with a guy who is trying to book an appointment with me from a number that reads “unavailable”. People use the word “whore” as an insult to those who are not selling sex. ex: “Those politicians (lawyers, journalists etc) are a bunch of whores!” I have analyzed it to mean, They will do anything for money. It annoys me and I usually am compelled to interupt and correct their word usage because whores do not do anything for money. They do what they decide is okay for them to do for payment.
I got a call last night at 9:45 looking for a appointment right away. My bills are reminding me they exist however, I am not available at the snap of his fingers. He did not impress me as having good manners either because he did not introduce himself to me by name before asking. I am not a hole with legs.
This morning Unavailable with an accent calls and does introduce himself asking for an appointment.
guy: “ Hi I’m (name). Do you remember me?
me: no I don’t remember.
guy: we talked alot.
me: really! what about?
guy: you were booked and told me to call another time.
(how memorable I’m sure)
me: well you are calling from a number I can’t see. I don’t book from unavailable numbers.
guy: laughing (like I am making things hard for him just for my own amusement.) I’m calling from a computer phone.
me: do you have a cell phone?
guy: no
(well then you probably can’t afford me)
Me: well I can’t book anyone with a number I can’t see.
guy: can you just tell me why?.
Me: sure. Its so if you kill me, the police will find you and you will get in trouble.
he laughs like I could only be joking.
me: Didn’t you hear about the recent Craig’s List killer? (no) the Green River Killer. (I am not up on naming all the prostitute killers) Where do you work?
guy: (gives a location.)
me: well I can verify your employment, if you give me the number.
guy: no (laughing like I am utterly crazy.) another girl I saw didn’t make me go thru this.
Me: oh Great! you saw another girl. Well I can call her and check out that you are a nice guy.
Guy: no! I don’t want her to know that I am seeing someone else.
(oh come on! this is not a romance based on fidelity)
me: well I gave you options and you decided not to take them. I’m sorry.

the end. and business has since picked up and the bills are satisfied.

I got a flyer in the mail announcing the 6th annual conference on Prostitution, sex Work and Human trafficking. it is a victim based, help the poor exploited ones type of forum. I wish I could go and infiltrate but I won’t. I emailed one woman who is presenting asking her to clarify if the conference was about non- consensual prostitution or all. That should be an interesting response.

Voulez Vous...?

I was at Trader Joes to pick up supplies (with no makeup on by the way). I parked at the same time as a man in a 1984 Alfa Romeo spider convertible. Cars are not my area of interest, except for old Alfas. I just find them particularly cute. I asked him about the year of his car and we had a meaningless flirty conversation in the elevator. Recently having attended a conference on Sex and Shamanism. I am in the process of grokking the idea that erotic energy is powerful and life affirming and I don't have to be afraid of letting mine flow. It isn't dangerous. Apparently it was flowing well and I gave the man a big smile in response to something he said about learning how to control the weather in the future. We exited the elevators, got our carts and began our journey through the aisles of goodies. We kept crossing paths as we shopped and he made it known that he was aware of me. I did not defend myself from that as I usually would because I am dreading having to reject somebody if I "lead them on" with their inevitable desire for more. He found an opening as I was finishing my complimentary cup of java that Trader Joes graciously provides for its customers by asking me, "how's the coffee?" "Better than none." was my response. "Could I buy you a coffee sometime?" He asked. I did not want to interpret this as painful to him and consequently to me. I had to say no because I am putting all my energy into the wonderful relationship I have currently. I answered, " Then that would lead to the possibility of a relationship and I already have one. but otherwise I would." He seemed to take that fine. I wondered if he would want me just for an hour or two, being that he could experience pleasure and connection easily, in exchange for money. I have never solicited anyone verbally and Trader Joes was not the place to begin. However I had one card in my wallet that I made for this profession. It has a artful depiction of a woman and "sensations artist" is my title. It has my phone # and website. I was done shopping before him and being that his top was down, I left it on his seat with a handwritten message on the back. "But an hour or two of pleasure is possible." I wonder if he'll call. The interaction felt exciting to me.

ADHD (pathology title) ideas tumbling out (reframe)

Business is slow but I have plenty to do while I’m not working. I recently realized that I have a therapist, a coach, a supervisor and an acupuncturist. A yoga teacher, a pilates instructor, a dog walker and a consultation group. I belong to two professional listserves. and I am trying to write a website for my future career and promote that in other ways like giving free speeches on topics of interest. This is called marketing. Always comparing the same and different dynamics of my two careers, I noticed that sex work barely needs marketing although if I did engage in it, I’m sure it would pay off. I am a female who is reasonably good looking and I am willing to share my body and its pleasures. That’s all that’s necessary. Put up an ad with a picture and business is immediate. Therapy is another animal entirely. When I get an inquiry call for sex work, I know all the answers. They ask, “What are we going to do together?” I answer, “Have fun.” Of course they are looking for specifics to which I reply both for reasons of discretion and otherwise, “Well I don’t know exactly, that depends on what you want.” I throw the ball back to them and they have to reveal their desire first, which of course is what will govern how I deal with them. When I get a call from a therapy seeker, it is not as easy to reel them in. “What is your approach?” I have fancy language and ideas but how well does that communicate? Similarly I don’t know them yet, so I don’t know what approach will work with them. I had a therapy session with a couple last week in which I felt very competent. I felt so competent, that it seemed like I moved up a level. How many levels exist? I have no idea, I am not at the top yet. After this session, I answered a call from a prospective woman of a married couple. I tried to explain to her that my first goal would be to facilitate her becoming aware of herself and what drives her. Secondly the couple would become aware of the pattern between them and what is driving it. With that gained clarity, they would be able to choose different responses to each other. “Can it work in 3 sessions?” she asked. I said, surprised that I knew the answer, “In 3 sessions, you can know if you have hope.” Anyway she hasn’t scheduled with me yet.
of course that was not the subject I came here to write about.
Today I saw a man who was passing thru town. I like to be part of a vacation experience. He said as I was massaging his back, that he was on a pilgrimage. This was a concept, I was interested in hearing more about. His mother had recently died and his father and brother had died as well. His wife has health issues including cancer. He was raised in an alcoholic family and had been an alcoholic himself. Now he uses twelve steps ideology to deal with his “addictive personality” which included porn, looking and fantasizing about women, masturbation. He prays to a higher power. Wow! He also confessed to being a caretaker and rageaholic. Interesting how all his behaviors are pathologized (by him). (That was my response.) Why can’t he see himself positively like a passionate, loving, desiring person who has given so much to others, and subsequently and realistically feels angry and hurt resulting in needing to devote more time to himself to achieve a healthier balance? Because pathology must be a comforting place to hang out. We get to loathe ourselves. ahhhh how familiar.

Yesterday a man consulted with me to see if I would be able to help him learn how to satisfy women. He is about my age and his desire is to marry. He portrays himself as not knowing anything about women, and what he does know is he is insufficient. He gets this information from experience. Anytime he has managed to have sex with a woman, she has treated him like the plague afterwards. “That must feel horrible!” I sympathized. He had a neurotic, Woody Allenesque charm. My life just changed with a phone call, I now have an 8:30 appt. Quarterly taxes will get paid on time! And yet another digression. I got this big red zit on my butt. That’s bad enough, but then it starting itching, so I thought it must be ringworm. I looked it up online and started putting teatree oil on it. I decided I had to go to the STD clinic this morning just to make sure I was not contagious. I showed the woman my ass and she says, “That’s just a pimple.” “Are you sure?” I asked. “I’ve been here 22 years!” she assured me. I have seen her every 6 months for the last couple years so we somewhat know each other. She says to me as I am leaving, “Save your money.” I say, “Why?” “So you can quit.” she says like obviously I want to quit. Like there would be no way I was satisfied or even happy with my job. “I had two sisters that did this...” she continued. “then they saved their money and bought a house so they quit.” “Well I have a house,” I told her, “but the mortgage....”

Now it is way later then when I began this entry and it is time to go to sleep. I had a fun appointment. The client had a good sense of humor and playfulness. It occurred to me that some men may regret spilling their hearts out to me and showing weakness (i.e. real feelings) They might be looking for an experience that is a relief from reality: entertainment, fantasy, feminine. for further pondering.....